Be aware:Since at this time is National Goof Off Day, I don’t have to write down a be aware. In case you completely want one, see Gary in Human Assets.
% likelihood that, in response to Ukraine President Zelenskyy’s chief of workers, “President Biden is aware of our nation and has performed greater than all different Presidents of the United States”: 100%
% of medical debt data that the highest three credit score bureaus will drop beginning this summer time, thanks partly to Elizabeth Warren’s brainchild the Client Monetary Safety Bureau: 70%
Rank of Finland, Denmark, and Iceland on the newest World Happiness Index report: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Canada and the United States: #15, #16
Odds of discovering a pearl in an oyster, in response to some phrases I learn on the thingamajig Tim Berners Lee invented again within the day: 1-in-12,000
CHEERSto Day 1.Decide Ketanji Brown Jackson, the primary Black girl nominated to the Supreme Courtroom, entered a Senate listening to room yesterday and, after cracking her knuckles and making that “convey it on” movement that individuals do with their fingers, started answering questions from the Judiciary Committee tasked with turning “advise and consent” right into a circus of “pander and gotcha” fodder for public consumption and Tremendous PAC advertisements. And by all accounts it went tremendous, simply tremendous:
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The proceedings had been briefly suspended when an errant chunk of Ted Cruz’s tonsil cheese burned a gap by his notes. And his desk. And his shoe. And the committee room flooring. And the basement flooring. And the earth’s crust. And, in response to NASA, a close-by “goldilocks planet” that was our solely hope for the survival of the human species. However everybody agreed the bottled water was “refreshing.”
CHEERS to an unambiguous response. The Russo-Ukraine Conflict continues into its second month this week, with the latter heroically and creatively defending itself as the previous maniacally and barbarically slaughters civilians in condo buildings, theaters, faculties, and nursing houses with missiles. Within the newest little bit of hubris, Vladimir Putin demanded the give up of a key metropolis. Here is a transcript of the way it went:
Russian lieutenant holding white flag drives up in jeep to Ukrainian normal at checkpoint: Superb President of the Russian Empire Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin calls for that your forces in Mariupol lay down their weapons and give up instantly. What shall I inform the president?
The one ones laughing tougher than the Ukrainian individuals are the squirrels on my roof.
CH’CHING to assembly Mr. Moneybags. A little bit of historical past was made final week that we might like included within the public report. Final Wednesday Jerome Powell adjusted his inexperienced eyeshades, strapped a solid-gold coin changer to his belt, took a deep breath, strode out onto a balcony, waved to his admirers, and delivered a proclamationas chairman of the Federal Reserve. After delivering a blessing upon the Almighty Greenback, he washed Wall Avenue traders’ ft and supplied gluten-free trillion-dollar coin wafers and sips (okay, swigs) of 1869 Château Lafite for communion, however not earlier than elevating rates of interest by a single quarter of a single % on the idea that it’s simpler for a camel to move by the attention of a needle than it’s to listen to extra unbearable whining about inflation. Within the distance, the Pope sought medical remedy for an acute case of eyeroll.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to enjoyable with math. 2 hydrogen atoms + 1 oxygen atom + the United Nations + chips ‘n dip + balloons = World Water Day social gathering! Sure, at this time is the twenty ninth World Water Day, which truly is not a lot a celebration because it is a chance to do not forget that if we maintain fucking up our water provide we’re all going to finish up shriveled and silly and sick with a sink stuffed with soiled dishes and a pungent toilet. This yr’s theme is “Groundwater: Making the Invisible Visible”:
Groundwater is invisible, however its affect is seen all over the place. Out of sight, underneath our ft, groundwater is a hidden treasure that enriches our lives. Within the driest elements of the world, it might be the one water folks have.
We should defend groundwater from air pollution and use it sustainably, balancing the wants of individuals and the planet. Groundwater’s very important function in water and sanitation programs, agriculture, business, ecosystems and local weather change adaptation have to be mirrored in sustainable growth policymaking.
“We now have a sequence of coverage recommendations in which we deal with the intense groundwater points in our nation,” stated Democrats in Congress. “What’s a coverage?” stated Republicans.
JEERSto self-righteous knuckledragging. On this date in 1638, progressive preacher Anne Hutchinson was booted from the Massachusetts Bay Colony by the Puritan management after being accused of “Blasphemy” and “Lewd conduct.” Immediately Texas Governor Greg Abbott unveiled a statue to commemorate the occasion. In honor of the Puritans.
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Ten years in the past in C&J: March 22, 2012
JEERS to the teardown artist. Mitt Romney’s Tremendous PAC gained him one other main victory final night time, this time in Illinois. I sat by his total victory speech. Within the span of ten minutes, he misplaced his place on the teleprompter, botched a joke, lied about Obama’s report on oil manufacturing and lightweight bulbs (what’s with Republicans and their gentle bulb obsession?), and missed an opportunity to pander to the gang concerning the sanctity of marriage by failing to want his spouse a cheerful forty third wedding ceremony anniversary. His mechanics say he’ll do higher subsequent time, as soon as they’ve changed his flux capacitator, re-soldered a number of free wires and topped off his fluids.
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And only one extra…
CHEERSto the man on the helm of probably the most well-known bridge in house. Glad birthday to one of many best presentsCanadaever gave the universe: Emmy- and Golden Globe-winner William “Kirk” Shatner, who turns 91 at this time andnonethelessseems and acts like he is thirty years youthful. (Hell, he simply made considered one of Bezos’s house flights, and that’s no piece of cake.) Here is a clip that hits a spectacular trifecta of weird American historical past. That is from July, 2009, when Conan O’Brien was host ofThe Tonight Present, Sarah Palin had simply given her batty farewell deal with and formally turned often known as the “half-term governor ofAlaska,” and, maybe most superb of all, Howard Dean was filling in for Keith Olbermann on MSNBC’s Countdown. What Shatner brings to this clip is nearly superfluous, however nonetheless sensible:
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Ms. Palin realized an vital lesson that day: don’t convey a phaser to a photon torpedo battle.
Oh, and autumn started within the southern hemisphere Sunday. Have enjoyable with all that leaf raking down there, you guys. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about at this time?
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Immediately’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
”With the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, it actually comes right down to the way it’s getting used. It is a product that isn’t supposed for use each day for good purpose. In case you had been splashing in it each day, your hair will begin performing bizarre.”
